Thursday, August 30, 2007

good idea, not so much fun.

I only worked from 8am-1pm today, which was nice. When I got off I went to my parents house to spend some time with Gina, as the kids can stay at daycare until 5pm.

Turns out a lady from hospice was there to film these life story things. Basically she sets up a video camera and it's a time where you can sit and talk about anything you want to, questions about the past, remincess about the past, get clarification ect. Pretty much anything you want.

Good idea, no?

Not so much fun to do. Sure it started out okay but big suprise when it ended with me crying. And it hit me out of nowhere too. I brought up the fact that she always remembered our birthdays/holidays/events with a card and or gift. For instance on my first mother's day she was the only person to send me a card with enough forthought to get it to me on time. That made me start crying. Then she said she just always tried to remember and lately hasn't been able to, but said we never sent stuff to her, which was fine. Again made me cry more out of guilt, but she wasn't trying to make me feel bad.

I know everyone is tired of hearing about all of this, so I'm sorry its all I really post about. It's just on my mind. I can talk about it and be fine. But then driving to and from work I get teary eyed. And times like right now when everyone else is in bed and the house is quiet, I just cry and cry. Don't know if this is "healthy" or not, but whatever.

Mike, Gina's husband, asked how I was managing and if I was going to be okay. I told him that maybe I'd go off the deep end and be the crazy one for a change. Not that that would happen, but geez. Everyone else in my family is acting really nutty.
  • My mom doesn't do much of anything other than talk on the phone, take Margo to school, and sleep.
  • My dad has been 1/2 assed working, going in at noon or later each day. He also started talking WAY too much. Like rambling on for long periods of time.
  • My brother and I have been talking alot, but he is so bitter and angry. We pretty much have the same convo everyday if not more than once a day.
  • My little sister is going over board with her douche bag boyfriend. I can't even think about that or I start to get even more stressed out.
  • My older sister has been nice and isolated in Washington DC...I have a trip planned in January to go see her (she's due on Christmas day with baby #2), but I wish it was sooner.
So at this point I'm just rambling but I don't feel like sleeping quite yet.

  • I've started working 3 12 hour shifts fairly consistantly. It's nice having 4 days off, even though I've yet to actually HAVE 4 days off. This week I worked 3 10's plus a 5 at SIL, then Friday I'm working 8 at AGH. Next week it's 3 12's a SIL plus 5 at the clinic.
  • I still don't have an aftercare arrangement set in stone for Jake. Tom is freaking out because he'll need to ride the bus unless I can figure something/someone else out...
  • Clara starts back at school next Tuesday, Jake starts Wednesday. I need to find someone to watch him Tuesday as I work from 11-11.
  • Margo is staying out until "the end." She was going to leave tomorrow with her dad, Mike, but they have decided to keep her out here longer. I have mixed feelings. Yes good so she can spend time with Gina, but it's hard for everyone else. I think she'll still go to Miss Tiffany's house (where Margo, Jake and Clara have gone for day care this month) for the next few weeks. We're not talking long term, I have NO idea how long Gina will be with us, and Margo will be leaving right after the funeral.
Okay now I'm going to bed. I'm all cried out.


slh said...

Just wanted to send you some hugs.

mamatulip said...

Mary, don't apologize for talking about it. I personally think it's really important to talk about it as opposed to keeping it all bottled up. And last time I checked this was your blog, your little spot on the web where you can talk about whatever you want.

Hang in there. I know this is incredibly difficult. I'm thinking of you.


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