Thursday, April 05, 2007

I feel guilty

I've been working 40 hours a week since Gina got here. I've been over to my parents atleast every other day, if not every day. I've taken Margo bowling, shopping, anywhere I've taken my two kiddos. But I've barely seen my sister at all. I just don't know what to do.

She called me on it today.

And it's true. We've only spent time talking about the kids, or superficial things. I can't bring my self to talk to her about the nitty gritty. In the hour I spent with her tonight, I musta teared up 5 or 6 times. We talked about medications, the chemo she's getting, the possibility of her staying out here, how to get her in to a flat near Mike and Margo in London. And then she got out the pamphlets. The school had sent home a packet of information for Margo, plus her counsler had given her some stuff.

I couldn't even look at a list of recommended books on how to help special needs kids deal with the death of a parent. Believe it or not there is more than 1 book on the subject. There shouldn't be, life isn't fair. That's what we both said multiple times.

I'm having the hardest time being strong for her, for my family. Tonight was the first time I've cried since Tuesday, so that's progress. Normally I cry during my whole drive in to work. It's amazing I haven't gotten in a wreck trying to blow my nose going 75 down I-5.

I talk to our chaplin from time to time. He's a great guy, and he doesn't say much, just listens. And he doesn't act all embarressed when I start crying, then stopping, then crying again.

I know people on here have said they are there to talk to, but I don't have anything to say. I just keep thinking the same things over, and over, and crying. I should probably listen to different music in the car, but I actually feel better after being up set.

Tomorrow night my sister from DC gets here. It'll be the first time all of us siblings have been together in I think 3 or 4 years. I don't remember exactly, I just know it wasn't the last 2 or 3 christmas'
 

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