Tuesday, October 17, 2006

So much for THAT idea...

Thanks for commenting Chelle. Marriage IS hard work. I thought things were better. I felt like I had been putting out some extra effort in regards to the kids and the house, but I was "wrong."

I just feel like I'm under so much stress right now, and I'm not getting any support from the only person I REALLY can rely on. And the reason the house is falling apart is because I don't spend enough time cleaning......

  • I *work* 40 hours a week. But this of course is different than work. With work, you show up, do your duties, go home, get paid. For me, I show up, try not to fuck up, get stressed out about fucking up, walk on egg shells because I can't tell if I've pissed anyone off, try not to freak out when I think I pissed someone off, move people who are in pain causing them more pain and try not to get stressed out that I'm doing some wrong. Repeat. Don't get paid.
  • I still have online classes. Monday marked the start of our comprehensive review. That means for the next 4 months, I'll be 'relearning' and memorizing all of the 'book stuff.' (but apparently I only spend a few minutes on my school site, then I goof off for "hours on end")
  • I have my munchkins, and even though I don't want to claim him right now, my husband. I have to work so hard on not getting frustrated with them, so things get bottled up. I spend all of my waking hours with them (not at work) until they finally pass out. Tonight it was 10pm. Fighting and screaming at each other, right up to the end.
I just feel that maybe sometimes I should be cut some slack. Or maybe when I try to get Tom to have some free time because he's been bitching about how much I've been working, I expect a little thank you or atleast the fucking dishes done while I've been gone with the kids for almost FOUR HOURS and he's been at home alone.

I dunno. I feel shitty because I called my dad all upset and crying after Tom and I had a fight. I was calling to see if he'd come convince Tom to leave the house because my asking didn't work. But I knew my dad wouldn't agree to that (he thinks just about anyone can make a marriage work), so I just spilled everything out. I didn't really want my dad to know all of that, and I didn't want him to have to worry. But I didn't have anyone else I couuld call crying to talk to. I'd probably be even MORE embarressed.

And while my dad had good ideas, I feel like we've already tried what he's suggested. Everytime we get in a fight, it doesn't "end" until I give in and apologize. Or I take back anything I had said, or *change* my opinion. I'm tired of that.

I'm tired of all of this shit. I can't deal with it right now, I have enough other crap to worry about. I desperately need Tom to be something for me, and he's not even willing to try.

Top all of this off with me having a back ache. I think because it was obese patient day. My first 4 patients weighed 250+, and I did all the transfers myself. None were too hard, but still, every time you help a patient up, it can cause strain, esp if the patients are that large.



Chelle Y. said...

I was sitting here reading your post, trying to find the words to comfort you, and then I read your last paragraph. I am still laughing right now. Just picturing you already frustrated, having to lift obese people. Not that obese people are funny, it's just how you worded it. I hope you know what I mean by that.

Anyway, I am sorry about your marriage difficulties. It is stressful, and working as long and hard as you do (not to mention school work) can add to that in a great big way.

But, aren't Daddy's the best? I am sure it is so hard for him to see his daughter so upset. My dad is the same way in that you should always try to make the marriage work. Sometimes, it just not work out that way. I, too, feel like a failure, but I also know that I have to keep my head high and concentrate on my son now.

Plus, I am sure having Gina so sick and not being able to be with her, is hard too. I cannot imagine my sister being ill. It's bad enough that she had to move away from me. I have much to be thankful for, and when I do start feeling sorry for myself, I think about you and all my other friends who are going through trials much more than me right now.

I know there is not anything I can really say to comfort you or make you feel better right now. All I know is that I can pray and I care. Be brave, my friend, and have a good night.

Tink said...

I think a cloud of FUNK has settled on me and everyone I know. It sucks being a woman sometimes... or a wife, a Mom, the holder-of-the-world, in charge of everything and everyONE. Pick a hat. They all have their down sides. I'm sorry you're getting the bad end of all of them. I hope things get better!!

Melissa said...


Mary said...

Thank you ladies for your comments. They mean so much to me. I appreciate you taking the time to lift me up. Of course I'm not blameless, so I feel a little guilty when 'let off the hook.

I'll blog later today if I ever get alone time ;)


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