Friday, July 29, 2005


So we moved to Salem initially under the pretense that I could go to school and my mom would babysit Jake, and all would be well. About 4 months into this arrangement, my mom was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer. Surgery, chemo, and radiation ensued. I was able to juggle sitting for Jake for the rest of the term, but I didn't go to school in the summer. In the fall, I just went back to work and put Jake into daycare. Over the next year my mom had all of her treatments, and was deemed cancerfree. I got pregnant with Clara and had her. 9 months later I want to go back to school. Radiation tech. is my goal. Even though my mom had been done with her cancer treatments for well over a year, it was inconcievable that she watch my kids. So into daycare they go, as I take out loan after loan after loan. I get a good deal at payine $806 a month for both kids for full time daycare at the center on campus. Clara was still nursing at this point, so I needed to be able to go feed her. I continue with school for 5 terms, and they stay at that center the whole time. Then I get my rejection notice from my program and I'm totally at a loss for what I'm supposed to do. But as I sit and plan, and try to figure out how to possibly get a job and take classes, I'm told that I shouldn't rely on my mom for ONE day of care a week. Give me a freaking break. Grow the fuck up and get a life. I preface this by saying I love my mom. I know she has mental problems. I know she suffers from bi-polar disorder, and depression. I also know she had her body ravaged by both cancer, and the drugs to fight cancer. But is it ever going to end? Her new thing is the radiation poising from her treatments. And apparently she has plans for it to stick around forever. I sound like such a callous wench, but can I just say it's getting really really old?!?! Sure life wouldn't have been a piece of cake had we moved to N/NE PDX instead of Salem, but I would have been living near a very good friend who could have watched my kids for well below the going rate, just because she rocks. Instead I'm suck in a shitting situation, and feeling like I'm such a drain on my parents and we cause them so much grief, just because I expect them to help out/babysit sometimes. We do see them alot, but they don't even babysit that often. They were getting on my case because they babysat last weekend, and next weekend/week they will have them for a total of 3 nights. ALL 3 nights Amanda would be spending the night too. So built in babysitter. But no it wasn't good enough. They thought Tom shouldn't go on his bike ride next weekend ebcause he's riding today.

God this sounds so petty and stupid, but it really hurts my feelings. I hear about other grandparents who would kill to spend time with their grandkids, and we have 2 sets who just odn't feel that way. We have my parents, who like to see Jake and Clara, but apparently only in small doses, and 1/2 the time offer to PAY for someone else to watch THEIR grandkids, isntead of themselves. On the other hand we have Tom's parents, who I don't think really give a rats ass about us. Or they are just too busy to care. When Clara was born, they didn't even see for 10 days. They live about an hour away from us. They drove THRU Salem TWICE when she was 2 days old, and about 6 days old. Did they stop? No. Now they are pulling the same shit again. They had their car fixed at Tom's work, and had to come to Salem twice, to drop it off, then pick it up 2 days later. They didn't even call to try to see us/have dinner/say hi/NOTHING. We haven't seen them in a month. It doesn't even phase them. sigh. I love my kids, and I wish their grandparents realized that they are a blessing, not just a PITA.

Way off track. Oh well. Vents sometimes take a life of their own....

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